Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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