so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
