the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
