I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
