Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
