So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
