tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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