Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
