One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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