I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize