I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
