TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
