I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
