My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Rumble strips road head = magical
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
