i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
