Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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