I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
