I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Found the puke drawer
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
