She announced her abortion via fbk
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
