Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
