Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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