Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
