Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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