Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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