I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
