Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sorry about my life...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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