i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize