how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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