Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize