fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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