I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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