pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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