I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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