you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
