btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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