Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
