um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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