It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
