just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
