we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
