I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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