rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
