I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
