Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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