...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
