the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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