Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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