I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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