i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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