my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
