If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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