bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize