my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
