my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
