I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
