Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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