1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
