she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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