What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
