how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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