there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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